Time's a Wasting

Work was slow today.
My desk phone rang three times. I received four emails. I worked on the Newsletter for just about an hour. Did some math, and took mental notes. The rest of the time I surfed the web.

Which is worse, watching paint dry, or waiting for five o'clock when there's nothing left for you to do?

Well, Christmas has come and gone. Had a grand time, and enjoyed the time spent with family, immensely.

Christmas Eve we dine at my mother's. We play games while the food cooks, and while waiting for midnight. At midnight we open presents, and then we gather our bounty and leave. This year we had a mostly nontraditional meal. The traditional part: antipasto and Caprese salad. The nontraditional (for our family): baked penne pasta, chicken breast, parsley potatoes, and asparagus. Our Italian panettone and pandoro were nowhere to be found, so instead we had cakes from IKEA. We played the Family Edition of Trivial Pursuit. My 6 year old niece blew everyone's socks off!! Way to go Hannah!

Christmas Day I slept late, spent hours on the phone with my sister, and went to my cousin's for dinner. Christmas with the cousin's is always interesting. I'm finding that I am enjoying this "quality" time more and more as I age. I find that interesting...

I was feeling rather happy about being able to pay off my debt soon. Excited by the prospect of possibly owning my own home. So while on the phone with my sister, I asked her to look up houses for sale in my town. The good news: there are "cheap" homes for sale here. The bad news: I can't afford anything that doesn't need to be gutted and scraped back together. Even with the extra cash I'll have on hand, I won't be able to afford a home for a few years yet. That was disappointing. Foolishly, I drove by one of the homes that didn't need much repair... I didn't exactly "fall in love" with it, but I thought it was really cute and could already picture what I could do with the breezeway... Sigh. One day.

The problem is, the town I live in doesn't usually have homes of such prices. Once I do save up enough to purchase, the market might have resuscitated itself, and these prices might no longer be available. I'm trying to tell myself that this just isn't the right time for me to buy, and I will have to wait. When the time is right, something will be there for me. Something even better than what I've seen so far.

This is much easier to accept when we're talking about a purchase, versus talking about something closer to one's heart...

I have some big purchases ahead of me this year...
I'm thinking I need a computer (laptop maybe.) This whole living without a computer at home thing is ridiculous. I haven't really cared to be online all that much lately, but the moments that I do want to check something are always late at night, when I'm at home. Convenience. I lack it. I'm acutely aware that I am missing all the after-Christmas sales...

I also want bedroom furniture!
I currently have a bed, and a dresser. I really want a headboard, and nightstand, etc... and I'd love for all the pieces to match in style. I've had my eye on a particular set for a couple years now, HEMNES at IKEA... and every time they come up with a new piece to the set, I want that one too. So, piece by piece I will purchase my future bedroom. Starting with my bed frame. The goal of said purchase? By the end of February. God willing.

I'm wasting time.
I should be home reading my book. Poe's Children. It's due tomorrow, and I started it yesterday. It's non-renewable. Oh well. I can always check it out once it's off the waiting list.
I should be home making dinner too. I'm feeling it.

I should also be trying to figure out what we're doing on New Year's.
Why am I always the one who has to make plans?
What I would really like to do is stay at home. I'd like to have friends over for a meal, and play games all night. Doesn't that sound like fun!?! I spoke to some gals last week and this weekend, and they love the idea. But my other friend refuses to stay in. She wants to go out to "better her chances of finding a man." There's a tiny part of me that wants to dress up, and wants to go out for cocktails and good music. But for the most part, hanging out with friends, playing games, eating homemade food, and being silly sounds absolutely fabulous!
I feel guilty. Like I'm betraying my friend. As if all her hope hangs on my word... I can't do that to myself! If that's how I want to spend ringing in the New Year, that's how I should spend it. Next year might be different.

Is it wrong that I've been raised to be conscientious of other people? Of trying to find a middle road, a compromise? Is it wrong that most of the time I have no problem making sacrifices? If I choose to sacrifice, it doesn't make me a weaker person. It should only be wrong if it leaves me feeling unhappy. They are my choices to make. I know what I can and cannot live with.

Hmm.. I was rather defensive there for a minute, eh? Sheesh.

That's it then. I've decided.
Dinner and games at Laila's.

Now I need a menu.
Pork chops; potatoes; Swiss chard or collard greens; sauerkraut for Nicole; seafood salad; grapes; and some sort of cake... Egads! Do I have time to make all this? And clean? Looks like I have some shopping and prepping to do.
Good night, then.

Financial Freedom

I need to write a blog in order to distract myself.
I'm a little annoyed... a little blue... and not particularly in the mood to travel down this vortex again. So... let's wave the magic blog-wand and propel our mind to higher ground!

"Blog-wand"... should I be wearing a pink tutu and wings?

Let's think happy thoughts.
A ha! I've found one! I'm smiling! Why?
Because I will be paying off my debt within the first 10 days of 2009!! (All except my car payments, but I'm fine with that.)
How? Well, none of your business. It's admittedly not the best way to go about it, but, I didn't have to kill anyone, or sleep with anyone, and best of all, it was my idea and I followed through with it. Independence is empowering. I'm pleased, and that's all that really matters.

What does this mean? This means freedom! Freedom to finally save for the house I've been yearning for. Freedom to save for the vacations I've been dreaming of. Freedom from the stress involved of never getting ahead of those damned credit card payments.
Discover, Chase, kiss my ass!

My idea of being "financially stable" means having enough money in the bank to see me through, at minimum, two months of unemployment. At this particular moment, my bank balance is $5.27... Ouch. Christmas hurts. What's worse is I'm not done! I await tomorrow's paycheck, and then I'm off to IKEA, Wal-Mart, Cub Foods, and Holiday Gas Station...
It is my goal, that this desperate money crunching never happens again.
I will be financially stable, damn it!
Life is unpredictable, but I'm not stupid. It's about time I let my wallet in on that fact.

This also means, I need to learn self-control when shopping. Ugh. That's hard.
See, I do not believe in window shopping. It drives me crazy. If I see it and want it, I decide right then and there whether I buy it or not. I do not go home to ponder the purchase, and take my chances that it might still be waiting for me the next time I visit. NO! I decide if it's worth it, if I need it, how bad I want it and then either buy it or don't buy it. Simple. Done. Move on. (You can usually return it later, if you change your mind.)

Also, I do not always go shopping solely because I'm in need of something. Although I've become much better at this. See, when your bank account only has $5.27, you just don't leave the house... But seriously. A few years ago you would have seen me shopping, I kid you not, almost weekly. Oh it might be a simple trip, perhaps to pick up a single prescription, and leave three bags later... after all, we all need toilet paper, laundry detergent, a cherry Coke and an animated Spiderman alarm clock... Or, perhaps I'll walk into Lane Bryant, just to see what's in, and come out with a pair of pants and two shirts... I am not a shopaholic, but I am impulsive.

As I said, that was a few years ago, and although I still don't believe in window shopping (unless I'm comparing in order to find "the best"), I tend to do more of my shopping as the need arises. Now, I'll have to make sure that my finances and the need meet on agreeable terms.

I'm feeling hopeful. 2009 might turn out to be ok.
Well... at least in this department.
What else is there to fix? Ha. How much time do we have?
Right. Let's save that for another day. I want to bask in hope a little longer.

Positivity

So, this weekend might have been a turning point for me.
I say "might" because I tend to get overly excited at the onslaught of things reminiscent of resolutions, only to turn back to my evil ways. Heh.

Well, this weekend I painted my first watercolor since high school. I really liked it, and was inspired to continue my artistic adventure. In fact, I have decided that I should try to make money off of my creations. I'll keep myself realistic and not wish to make millions of dollars, but a few hundred a year might not be unreasonable.

I have been disappointed with myself for not continuing to draw and paint. I speak about my art with regret, and resignation. Well, I'm done with that. I've found a hope, a bliss, to strive for. It'll take determination, and time, and money to begin with. It's all very exciting, and very nerve wracking. But I'm up for this challenge. I know my art improves the more I practice. Now I actually have a desire to practice. I am most proud of my artistic achievements, of my creations. I am going to do what makes me feel proud and happy with myself. There can't be anything wrong with that. Right?

I'm looking forward to experimenting with the different media, and tackling new subject matter. This should prove to be tons of fun!
I don't think I've been this happy or excited about anything in a very long time.
Wish me luck.

Internet Withdrawl

I have been without a computer at home for over a month. In order to get my surfing fix, I've had to either stay late at work, or visit my local library. When I did have my home computer up and running, I definitely took advantage of it, but it wasn't necessary to go online every single day. But now that I'm deprived (and not by choice), I feel the need to get as much of it as possible. It's rather sickening really. Or at least it was.

This whole need to horde my Internet time reminds me of stories from people growing up during the last world war. Stories of people not having enough food while growing up, and now stuff their freezers and pantries, always ready for an emergency. What am I "ready" for?

I think I have two problems, that are really one and the same.
One, I need to be in the know, up to date with my current forms of communication. I need to know if someone's emailed me, or if someone wants to be my friend on MySpace or if my cousins are chatting on Facebook... what did I miss while I was at work all day? Which basically comes down to being a control freak.
Two, I need immediate satisfaction. If some interesting tidbit comes up and I want more information, I want to go online and find it, now. This is what the computer was for me when I had it at home. My encyclopedia of knowledge. No need to wait, it's all at the tip of your fingers. There was no need to be online all the time, but only when the need arose. (After all, I had unlimited access.) But this is simply another manifestation of being a control freak.

I already knew all that, of course, and never denied it. But things are different now. Or at least, I'm looking at it differently. I've finally (it took me 36 years!?) figured out that if I have this irrational need to get a fix, that I really have no control after all. I can control when I go to the library, or stay after work, but as long as I do it because of this stupid "need", then I am simply a slave to this stupid machine.

I know, I know. This is no earth-shattering conclusion. In fact, I've come across this same viewpoint in regards to television.

I grew up with a steady dose of television. From the cartoons of my youth, to the prime time television shows of the early nineties, I had plenty of love affairs with particular television shows. Never were these shows to be missed. My favorite span of subjugation was the Saturday night line up of the nineties. The Pretender, followed by The Profiler. Nothing could tear me away from my Saturday night ritual. Until I went on vacation, for a month, and was consequentially unable to continue my habit. Upon my return, I found my fervor relaxed. And then vowed never to fall under the television trap again. So far so good. Although there are still television shows I love, I do not need to watch every episode, or follow the whole season, etc.

So... is this what's ahead of me in regards to the Internet? I doubt it. Not watching the television for over six months was not hard. There are plenty of activities that can replicate such escapism. But the Internet is its own monster. It fulfills the need for instant gratification. The power of instant and specific information gathering is intoxicating. The ability to communicate, in real time and for free, with my family across the world is fantastic. I could go on and on. No, I cannot foresee myself walking away placidly.

However, I can take control of my impulses.
I will survive if I don't go online, daily.
I have other loves to distract me.

Which brings me to this weekend.
I was online for an entire... hour. That's it. No more. The thrill of being online was subdued. I had better things to do. And actually did them.

Lethargy

I'm wasting time. It's 5:28 pm, and I'm surfing the web.
I had plans with a friend, and I'm blowing her off. I'll call her when I'm done; done doing nothing. I gamble that it'll be alright.
It's one of those days. When you sit and think about stuff you don't want to think about. Time goes slowly, and thoughts are stuck on repeat. I'll regret this later, I think.

What am I thinking about? My life. Where I've been, where I'm going.

My life is fine. Not perfect of course, but fine. Aside from not having enough money to fly across the world on a whim, I'm happy. I have wonderful friends. Beautiful family. I have the freedom to do as I wish, go where I wish. I find my own joy in the little things. I am never bored. I am constantly learning. I have hobbies, and goals, and dreams.

Dreams... that's where the trouble lies.
To be wife, and mother... to be loved.

It's not that I don't like being single.
It has its pros. But I'm ready, I've been ready, for change. I'm tired of being single. Been there, done that, and am well over it. I'm ready for the next part of life.
I've traveled. Learned foreign languages. Dabbled in oils and created things I'm proud of. I'm a good co-worker, a proud aunt, a faithful friend. I've given to people, to companies, to charity. I've dug myself in and out of debt. I've smiled and I've cried, and I've watched time go by.

But I have not been loved.
I've watched friends and family go through the ups and downs of relationships. The ins and outs, the heartbreaks, disappointments, the joys and the moments of tenderness.
And wondered when it would ever be my turn.
Can I be loved? Will I ever be loved?

Can you understand what it's like to have not just a few months or years of drought, but a lifetime? If we're to learn from our past, what do I glean from barren land?

I suppose as an observer I have learned some things.
I've learned what turns me on, and off. I'm a strong person, with weaknessess. I've learned that I'm stubborn, picky, but forgiving. I love wholeheartedly... even from afar. I am ready to give up some freedoms in exchange for more responsibilities.

Logistically, if the coin always lands on tails, what are the odds it'll land on heads?
I think my coin has two tails.
Can I logically retain hope that one day someone might actually want to be with me?
Something in me still prays for a miracle.
Hopeless romantic? Fool? Survivor?
I believe I'm worth it.
I want to believe it can happen.

Have we come to "him" now? So much sorrow. I feel drained. My kleenex will be history soon.
He. From the second I locked eyes with him... through a strained friendship, absence, insults, loss of trust, and now a friendship lost, through all of this I still cannot banish him from my heart.
My head knows I must, my heart refuses.
He's a good man. I've made so many mistakes.
I've closed the door before... he's slammed it shut.
I miss his friendship, our conversations.
I need to leave this craggy path I've been on for ten years, and find a less treacherous path; a peaceful, easy path... to happiness... to dreams... to miracles...

Did you see the snow today?

Did you see the snow today?
A thousand flakes of snow,
carried along by the wind,
moving as one but never colliding,
as a school of fish or a stampede,
white against the gray of sky,
Kamikaze flakes,
rushing their way to the ground,
to a silent end.
What is a snowflake once it hits the ground?
Unique and individual,
Does it find itself during flight,
form its own dream,
a greater purpose than the whole,
until it slams into the crowd,
much too quickly its spirit extinguished,
lost in anonymity,
a silent follower to the end.