Lethargy

I'm wasting time. It's 5:28 pm, and I'm surfing the web.
I had plans with a friend, and I'm blowing her off. I'll call her when I'm done; done doing nothing. I gamble that it'll be alright.
It's one of those days. When you sit and think about stuff you don't want to think about. Time goes slowly, and thoughts are stuck on repeat. I'll regret this later, I think.

What am I thinking about? My life. Where I've been, where I'm going.

My life is fine. Not perfect of course, but fine. Aside from not having enough money to fly across the world on a whim, I'm happy. I have wonderful friends. Beautiful family. I have the freedom to do as I wish, go where I wish. I find my own joy in the little things. I am never bored. I am constantly learning. I have hobbies, and goals, and dreams.

Dreams... that's where the trouble lies.
To be wife, and mother... to be loved.

It's not that I don't like being single.
It has its pros. But I'm ready, I've been ready, for change. I'm tired of being single. Been there, done that, and am well over it. I'm ready for the next part of life.
I've traveled. Learned foreign languages. Dabbled in oils and created things I'm proud of. I'm a good co-worker, a proud aunt, a faithful friend. I've given to people, to companies, to charity. I've dug myself in and out of debt. I've smiled and I've cried, and I've watched time go by.

But I have not been loved.
I've watched friends and family go through the ups and downs of relationships. The ins and outs, the heartbreaks, disappointments, the joys and the moments of tenderness.
And wondered when it would ever be my turn.
Can I be loved? Will I ever be loved?

Can you understand what it's like to have not just a few months or years of drought, but a lifetime? If we're to learn from our past, what do I glean from barren land?

I suppose as an observer I have learned some things.
I've learned what turns me on, and off. I'm a strong person, with weaknessess. I've learned that I'm stubborn, picky, but forgiving. I love wholeheartedly... even from afar. I am ready to give up some freedoms in exchange for more responsibilities.

Logistically, if the coin always lands on tails, what are the odds it'll land on heads?
I think my coin has two tails.
Can I logically retain hope that one day someone might actually want to be with me?
Something in me still prays for a miracle.
Hopeless romantic? Fool? Survivor?
I believe I'm worth it.
I want to believe it can happen.

Have we come to "him" now? So much sorrow. I feel drained. My kleenex will be history soon.
He. From the second I locked eyes with him... through a strained friendship, absence, insults, loss of trust, and now a friendship lost, through all of this I still cannot banish him from my heart.
My head knows I must, my heart refuses.
He's a good man. I've made so many mistakes.
I've closed the door before... he's slammed it shut.
I miss his friendship, our conversations.
I need to leave this craggy path I've been on for ten years, and find a less treacherous path; a peaceful, easy path... to happiness... to dreams... to miracles...