...But a Grain of Sand

Last week I cried on my way to work. I do that quite often actually, but that day I felt I was at the end of my rope... no longer interested in trudging through life...

A little later that same morning someone at my work needed me to listen to her vent her frustrations and concerns regarding her situations. My natural instinct when someone has a problem is to break it down and attack it from different perspectives in order to find a solution. If a solution isn't available, then at least a way to deal with the issues to make them as manageable as possible. We sat and chatted for a while; discussing, explaining, sympathizing, and relating personal experiences... I can't say we actually solved anything... but after our pow-wow, walking back to my office, I realized that the feeling of depression that had weighed me down that morning, had been lifted. The conversation had distracted me from my own pain, of course, but it actually left me feeling good about being able to offer help to someone else.

Do you remember falling down as a little kid, scraping your knees and crying to mommy at the sight of your own blood? Well, I do... In fact, I remember lots of things that made me cry when I was little. Like when my dad snuck up behind me and poured freezing mountain water on my back. I was angry, sad, hurt... and cold! :) I was crying tonight on my way home from class, and these thoughts passed through my tears... if only I can remember that the pain I feel today, will be like the knee scrapes of yesterday. They may feel monumental during the moment, maybe even the end of the world as we know it... but tomorrow they'll be a silly memory, void of the same pain, sadness, fear, anger... Granted, sometimes you fall down, and you're left with a scar. But even then, when you look at your scar years later, you don't feel the pain. You may remember it, but you do so without (most of) the emotions that were attached to it when the event occurred. The beauty is that they are "memories"... because we lived through them and left them in the past. I hope that next time the knife is poised over my wrist, that I remember these words, put the knife away, and go back to bed.

As those words fleeted, I wondered what I would say to someone calling a suicide hotline. Would I be able to show them, that even if only one little thing brings a moment of happiness, that that alone could be a reason to live? Could we spend an hour listing things we like that make us smile? The sound of a child's laughter... the sight of baby geese... that perfect tree on the corner... the way that song feels... the smell of lemons... your mom's smile... hugs... Could that have an effect on someone? What stops me is the thought that somebody would eventually find my body... how traumatising would that be for them?! I keep thinking of poor little Boy Scouts frolicking through the forest, stumbling on what at first appeared to be a log...


I know that at my worst moments nothing anyone says can cast a light of hope. I glean no hope from kind words. I can and will dispute your version of "logic." You cannot force a "bright side" to appear in my dismal existence. I have analyzed my situation by looking at my past and present, and come to the conclusion that my future is full of doom and gloom. I can't change the circumstances that cause me the greatest sorrow. They're entirely out of my control... and being a Scorpio, that's a little hard to swallow.


A couple years ago I found the perfect quote to explain what I'm feeling...


"In depression... faith in deliverance, ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come - not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute... It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul." - William Styron


The crux of the problem is "the foreknowledge that no remedy will come". That's exactly how I feel. I've analyzed, and I've considered the possible outcomes, and in the end the seemingly "logical" conclusion is that I will never be able to get out of this Hell. I feel completely hopeless. And that, my friend, is the worst place to be. It does not matter that I can equally formulate the much more logical conclusion that I have no clue what my future will bring!! There may be a rainbow after this storm... I should be telling myself to "buck up buttercup!" Alas, the negative voice is always the loudest. What it tells me is that my future will not be what I want it to be. It may bring other joys, and it may not. Regardless, it will not bring what my heart yearns for.

Hopeless.


Depression feels like... my soul is in a dark and lonely place, up to the chest in quicksand, finding it hard to breathe. I'm tired and overwhelmed. There's no light, no whisper of hope, and no one can help me. On top of that there's the pressure of having to pretend that everything is fine. "Smile, never cry in public." And then there's the shame, and feeling of worthlessness. "I cannot tell you how I'm feeling, because that would put a damper on the mood... besides that, I'm not important enough to bother you with my problems." Everyone has problems. Mine are stupid, and only affect me. No one can solve my problems, no one can make it right. Why bother someone with my trivial problems, when they might be dealing with more monumental ones?! But most of all, it's the hopelessness that keeps pushing me down. "It doesn't matter... I don't matter. My hopes and dreams don't matter. It's not worth talking about."

Those ugly little voices. Ever realize how they sound just like the "good" little voices? They fool us into believing they are speaking the truth. We need to find the switch that turns them off. Is it only "self-discipline" that can do that? Practice makes perfect? Unfortunately that seems to be the case. We cannot rely on someone else to come up with the kind words, the "right" logic, a view of the "bright side". We have to force ourselves to turn them off as quickly as they appear.

I wrote the words above 3 days ago.
Yesterday was my birthday... that always propels me into the throws of depression. I have yet to have a year where I am content with where my life is. I've never had the thing I need most. And that is all I can think of. What I'm missing. What I may never have. That this is what my life will be like forever. How can I find happiness in my loneliness? How can I be happy knowing I am constantly rejected? That no one will ever fall in love with me?

There were birthday balloons waiting on my desk in the morning. Someone cared enough about me to go to that trouble! I received a birthday card with signatures and accolades from my co-workers. Friends and family from all across the world took time to wish me a happy day. And all I could do was feel pain and emptiness and sorrow because I don't have someone to share my life with. Someone who smiles simply because I'm with him. Someone who doesn't want to go without hearing my voice. Someone who wants to reach out and hold my hand. Instead of being overjoyed at the outpouring of love from people I didn't even know cared, I sit and wallow in self-pity. What is my problem?!! How do other people do it?

I find joy in moments. I can enjoy and find the blessing in the fact that I'm cared about and loved by people all around me. I can enjoy the feel of the sun or the coolness of the breeze. I can enjoy the song on the radio and the home run. I am not blind to the life around me, but it's all under a cloud of sadness and sorrow that is too large to ignore. It's these feelings that cause me to slide into the darkness and make me ask myself at the end of the day, "was this day worth living?" And more often than not, it is this darkness that makes me answer "no."

I vacillate between trying to cling to some unseen hope, and throwing in the towel. I want to "hope" with all my heart. It's a grueling, holding-on-for-dear-life type of need to hope... Hope in a brighter future, hope that there is a God and that He's listening... but when it's dark like this, hopelessness wins out.

I just got off the phone with a friend. Her grandma passed away this evening. Here I am whining about my emotional state as someone's life comes to an end. This is when I feel ashamed and stupid. Here I am whining over my emotions, when people are dealing with greater issues. There's a freaking war going on Laila! There are people out there with real problems! Problems that matter in the big picture. I am but a grain of sand; insignificant.