A Prism of Emotions

It's only Wednesday, but this week has already brought a full spectrum of emotion. The curse of being an Italian Scorpio? On some warped level I relish the intensity. Unfortunately, others aren't so appreciative. The average person likes to keep everything in check, right down the middle, afraid to go to extremes... Maybe that's only a perception due to being surrounded by stoic Lutherans and Scandinavians... Billy Joel knows how I feel. Well... I like being me. Crying, happy, feeling everything means being alive, being human.

So... let's recap the roller coaster ride.

His band's song was played on a local radio station Sunday evening... and I missed it! This is such freaking exciting stuff!!! I was and am so very happy for and proud of them! What a wonderful opportunity/experience! When I was trying to book the band I dropped off cds to station with no luck, so this is beyond thrilling. It finally happened! How sad and disappointing to have missed it!!!! But it seems promising that it will happen again, and I look forward to it!

Monday started with tears. My PMS is so damn predictable. As usual, I cried about the last 10 years. Maybe I'm trying to keep myself grounded. If I squash my own happiness, no one can do it for/to me. But I think that keeps me stuck in the same spot. Maybe if I wouldn't squish myself, I might soar and then alight in a better place. That's worth a try, isn't it?

Annoyance, mingled with frustration, has been the most prominent emotion the past few days. It is no secret that I am not a fan of P-BO. There's a co-worker who loves to push my buttons by purposefully saying his name like he's some freaking messiah. I get so heated and nearly come to blows. There have been at least 4 heated discussions with her and others this week alone. It's only Wednesday for heaven's sake! Frankly I'm sick of feeling so much anger. Please, I beg you, avoid talking to me about politics, it's just not a pretty sight. I'm freaking getting heated right now! I really can't go there, I might get kicked out of the library.

The numbers projected by the scale bring nothing but disappointment. I've been good, but I've been quite bad... and so the scale remains on an embarrassing number. Damn it. Why does it have to be so hard to lose weight? Why does it have to matter so much? Why do I blame my weight for all that makes me unhappy? Why do I sabotage my progress by eating cookies? I haven't met my monthly weight loss goal yet... I still have a week, there's hope still.

I've been praying again. I think you're supposed to feel comfort in prayer, I tend to feel more fear. Apprehensive maybe is a better word... Well, it's not comfort.

Right now, I'm feeling hunger. So off I go.

So Many Options

I haven't been blogging as often as I thought I might. I bet if I had a working computer at home I'd be writing every time something "interesting" popped in my head. Hmm... maybe it's a good thing I can't... Well, I've handed it over to be looked at and I'm waiting for the verdict. I think if I'm told it can't be fixed, it would be ok. I really am liking the idea of owning a laptop, and so that would give me a good excuse to get one. However, if I'm told that nothing from the hard drive can be retrieved... well, then I might not be so ok. All my pictures, music, and documents, lost forever... Ugh! Not a good thing. So, let's think positive thoughts. Everything on the hard drive is retrievable, and I will own a laptop by the end of the year. Yes sir, that's the ticket.

I found a really good deal to Peru today. $266, including taxes. I must go to Machu Picchu sometime before I croak. I wish I had the money to take advantage of this deal. With all the travel expenses, hotel, food, and shopping... I'm still looking for way more money than I have at this time. Plus, I'd have to go alone, and I'm not so keen on the idea. I have no qualms going through Europe and the US by myself, but the rest of the planet is a little iffy. I guess it's just not meant to be this time. I'm okay waiting for my turn.

I've been told by my boss, that I should think about taking vacation during this quiet time... They're trying to cut hours, as everyone else is these days. At least they're not "downsizing" or whatever. I still have a job, and for that I am thankful. I really don't want to use vacation hours just to stay home and sit on my ass. I'd rather go somewhere. Peru would have been nice, but we've discussed that already. I need most of my vacation for the summer, as I plan on catching a few Minnesota Twins game outside of the Metrodome. I'm already excited!

They're playing in Saint Louis and Kansas City this June, and that just seems way too convenient to miss. You know, like "killing two birds with one stone" convenient. Haven't decided if we're flying or driving or taking the train... Amtrak has a kickin' $25 one-way ticket from St. Louis to Kansas City promotion (so, $50 round trip, for the mathematically challenged). How convenient!

My friend wants to see the Cubs play at Wrigley, and if memory serves me right, they are retiring Wrigley after this season, so we really should check into that. The Chicago White Sox and Cubs play against each other at both venues in June... so, I think that wont work. But the Twins play both Chicago teams back to back in April and May. One of those sets must work... So much to think about. And so little time to waste!

Have I mentioned I'm excited?!

Heck, I just figured out the Twins play the Brewers right before they head to St. Louis! Holy Hannah is this a Road Trip or what?!! This is my plan... We catch the Twins vs. Brewers on June 25, the Chicago White Sox vs. the Cubs on June 26. We travel to St. Louis, we see the Twins vs. St. Louis on June 28, and then vs. Kansas City on June 30. Holy mackerel! I'm flippin' out! Now, if I can get my friend to agree, we're all set!!!!!

Gotta go work this out now. Wish me luck!

The New Year

Some people think that what you do on New Year's Day will set the tone of what the new year will bring. If that is so, then 2009 will be the most social year to date for me. Expect laughter, quality family and friend time, laughter, new growth and adventures, and a little bit of the same old tug of disappointment.

The girls came over on New Year's Eve. I decided it would be easier if we had pizza, instead of my original plated meal idea. I bought way too much alcohol, but we made use of it. We played Taboo, and now I must own this game. We watched Get Smart, and we all enjoyed it. We spent the night talking and laughing until we couldn't keep our eyes open any longer. Two gals spent the night, and then we went out for breakfast the next morning. Breakfast at Perkin's has such a familiar comfort to it. Hmm...
Lunch was spent with my family. My niece and nephew are such joy to be around. Children always make me smile, and laugh.
Then the evening found me talking with people I would never have thought to talk to. I was afraid of feeling alone, and "in the wrong place". Thank goodness for familiar faces, and good conversations. I feel I faced a fear, and am glad I ventured forth. I am also quite surprised at my initiating a conversation with someone I have never liked. What's gotten into me this strange new year? Is this growth?

I am still excited about the prospect of being an artist. I look forward to getting my hands dirty. My friends have given me more encouragement, and I thank them. I have the itch to draw and to make cards. I can't wait to start. If I could scan pictures into a computer, I would post them here. Alas, we must wait until I make that hefty purchase.

Disappointment is... knowing you are not important to the one you deem "all-important"...
Disappointment is... feeling hope is non-existent... unreachable.
Disappointment is... receiving the expected, when you hope for the unexpected.
Disappointment is... not having achieved your goal.
Disappointment is... noticing a pair of pants feeling tighter than usual.
Disappointment is... not having enough time.
Disappointment is... not being understood... or being misunderstood.
Disappointment is... not knowing how not to be disappointed.

I know what disappointment is... I want this year to teach me what happiness is.