Only the Lonely

I am often alone, but rarely lonely.  Tonight, I am lonely. 

Only a small part of me is feeling the "lonely" as in "I wish I had someone who would hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay." 

Most of me is feeling the "lonely" of, "am I the only one who thinks/feels this way?" 

The "lonely" type of feeling like you are the lone warrior struggling for truth, integrity, justice.

The only one holding themselves to a higher set of ethics.  

The only one who understands that many pieces form a whole, and that one rotten ingredient can spoil the whole dish. 

That the nail is just as important as the hammer.  Each leaf as unique as each tree.  

That you must see the details to appreciate the big picture.  

That repeated little infractions lead to bigger offenses. 

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The only one who looks past the here and now and considers all repercussions.

I would like to find employment, or live in a world:

where everyone is honest all the time. 

where everyone takes responsibility for their actions.

where everyone performs their duties to the best of their abilities, 100% of the time.

where decisions are made logically and after consideration of all potential repercussions.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Disillusionment.

Where two or more will gather, there will be strife. 

Am I the only one who gets overly sentimental when PMS-ing? 

Am I the only one who can't blow things off?

It's going to be okay.

The days are numbered, and at the end there will be no more sorrow.

Midnight. Escape from reality.

In Thanksgiving

I was driving home form lunch with my family today and started thinking of things I'm thankful for.  I thought I'd make a list of 25 things (because today is the 25th, see? it makes sense) that I am thankful for... the list is in no particular order, and in no way is it complete, just 25 things that happen to pop in my head...

1. Family - every single member, immediate and otherwise
2. Friends  - every dear friend, old & new
3. Snow - one of the few things I like that come in white... there's something beautiful in the gentle fall of snowflakes... there's nothing quite like seeing trees covered in the first snowfall...  and it's quite amazing how a field of snow can look so vacant and desolate, and yet hopeful as a bright new canvas... and the thrill of the chill of a flake landing on the skin, or resting on an eyelash... have you ever listened to the sound of winter? silence isn't golden, it's white ;)
4. Autumn - the fresh crisp breeze that cuts through summer's heat, leading to the enjoyment of sweaters :) ... and the colors! a tree's last breath of life bursting in faux-flames... nature's version of fireworks, I'd say...  
5. Children - you can't be in a bad mood if you're within earshot of a laughing child... or one whose face lights up when they see you... or when one offers a spontaneous hug and nearly chokes you in the process...  and the things they say?!
6. Books - windows to places and worlds I could never dream of... language and thoughts unmottled by my own but in turn enriching them... pages that make me laugh or cry with every turn... along with music, the best invention this world has ever seen... 
7. Music - where a book is a trip you take with your mind guided by the author, music is a trip you take with your heart guided by the composer but fueled by the reservoir of your emotions... music with lyrics is good but instrumental is great, it allows you to create your own world, to feel things without being told to feel them, to feel things without needing to put things into words...  I don't know... it makes sense to me, and it's my list, so that's all that matters
8. Quotes - wise quotes, funny quotes, you can find a quote for every scenario online... I'm bad at making people smile, or saying the "right thing", quotes are a great help to me
9. Food - the smell and taste of Italian cooking... the variety of herbs and spices... the connection of food and culture... chocolate :) 
10. The Five Senses - so glad I can hear music and laughter, see to read, taste food, smell lemons, feel warm sand and cold water... 
11. Flowers - I think the earth smiles in flowers...  we bring those smiles into our homes and place them at the center of our table... we give flowers to show love, compassion, sympathy, gratitude... they're so fragile, and so different, each one an individual like each one of us... hmm, if the earth smiles in flowers, then God must smile in us... 
12. Comics - that's everything from Spiderman comic books, to Sunday morning cartoons, newspaper comic strips, to stand-up comedy... if it makes me smile, it's welcome...
13. The Basics - my home, my work, my car, my health... everyone should have The Basics... if any one is missing they all fail... I'm a lucky girl
14. Art - stories and ideas made visual, crossing the barriers of language, an expression of emotions... if you've had the pleasure of being made to nearly cry by a painting or statue, you know what I'm saying...
15. Museums - can you imagine?  you can walk through centuries, a Japanese teahouse, look at your reflection in an English mirror, and sit in front of a French garden, all by walking through just one building!  You gotta love it!
16. Kittens - soft, funny, clumsy, beautifully adorable little things!  
17. The Internet - knowledge at your fingertips... easy accessibility to family overseas... validating memories... 
18. The Variety of Landscape  - I love mountains, but am thankful for the flat prairies that remind me of the longing for mountains...  I love forests, but am thankful for the open seas that remind me that solitude is a necessary balance... I love villages that cling to the side of cliffs or lake shores, but am thankful for city skyscrapers that remind me we all have different ideas of life...
19. Trees - I love trees... I look at trees and see characters... like Ents or something... some are straight and tall and stand close together, like a church choir... some are large and majestic, like a wise elder who's seen a thing or two... some are bent by the wind, like they've been through hardship, but survived... some have branches that rise up like arms asking for help... some stand like sentinels... I love trees... no two are alike... all offer something... shelter, protection, fruit... "The Giving Tree" makes me cry... there's a tree I see every day on my way home, it's a beautiful tree with a slight arc, like a gatekeeper welcoming me home... it makes me smile... I'm thankful for that tree
20. Hugs & Smiles - they're the best... love, friendship, comfort, all conveyed without the need for words... 
21. Freedom - of speech, of religion, to travel in and out of the country, to wear what I want, to make my own choices...
22. Conversations - especially the otherworldly... and the kind of conversations where people really tell you what they think, feel, dream... not to mention the fact that people take the time to have conversations with me!
23. Day & Night - thanks God for giving us a clear sign of times to be active and times to rest, a study of balance to keep us happy and healthy  
24. Wisdom - I'm thankful that people throughout the ages received wisdom, gumption, instinct etc. to come up with medicines, spices, nail polish, pillows, paper, pianos, cellphones, libraries, indoor plumbing, fire, etc. ...
25. Time - time that is my own, time shared, time that shows me growth in all living things, time that makes me glad I live in this century, time that I remember in the pockets of my heart...

Well, that's the stuff that popped in my head as I wrote this... we're all thankful I didn't make a longer list aren't we?!

  

I am what I am

There are certain tenets of society with which I do not agree.  Things I wish not to conform to.  Why should I compromise my values, my morals, my feelings, my individuality?!  I understand the hermits, those who scorn society and shut themselves out of it.  Like Heidi's grandfather, give me a cabin on a mountain top and let me be!
As I get older, and watch my hopes, dreams and desires get further and further from my reach, I find myself on a steep decline into darkness, anger, frustration and negativity.  Pretty soon I fear I shall see no light.  This darkness illuminates more and more dissimilarities.  My pet peeves multiply like rabbits in springtime.  As the years go by my animosity grows stronger, more passionate, more obstinate.  There's a deep desire inside me to yell, scream and throw a tantrum of great proportions. I want to slap people into what I consider reality, logic, and the right way of thinking and doing.  Tolerance is a stranger.  Stubbornness is my bed partner.  Inflexibility is knocking on my door, and I fear Arrogance is walking up the drive.

Phrase of the Day: Horn

So, here's how it started...
Erne: You better get on the horn...
Me: Why would you get on the horn?  I mean, it's spiky and has got to be really uncomfortable to sit on...


Then the thought process...
Hmm... we say "get on the horn" to mean to call someone on the telephone... because back in the day they really did use animal horns to "call" for help, or to gather, etc...  
Joel 2:15 Blow the ram's horn in Jerusalem!  Announce a time of fasting; call the people together for a solemn meeting.  
I wonder why it is that most of the people who use the phrase have never actually blown an animal horn... Why do we hold onto these archaic phrases?  Why do they survive instead of being eclipsed by modern phrases?  "Ring them up"... "Get on the phone"...  "Get your cell out"... So many options, yet "get on the horn" still survives...  Will this phrase be around 2000 years from now?  
Do cultures that blow conch shells say "get on the conch?"  Do they "blow their own conch?"  
Would a deaf person be "tooting his own horn?" Why not, "he's signing his own glory?"  
The Pony Express riders... "they're carrying their own mail?"
Some cultures used to drink out of horns... when they'd get drunk, were they "on the horn?"
Hmm... one could go on and on I'm sure...

...But a Grain of Sand

Last week I cried on my way to work. I do that quite often actually, but that day I felt I was at the end of my rope... no longer interested in trudging through life...

A little later that same morning someone at my work needed me to listen to her vent her frustrations and concerns regarding her situations. My natural instinct when someone has a problem is to break it down and attack it from different perspectives in order to find a solution. If a solution isn't available, then at least a way to deal with the issues to make them as manageable as possible. We sat and chatted for a while; discussing, explaining, sympathizing, and relating personal experiences... I can't say we actually solved anything... but after our pow-wow, walking back to my office, I realized that the feeling of depression that had weighed me down that morning, had been lifted. The conversation had distracted me from my own pain, of course, but it actually left me feeling good about being able to offer help to someone else.

Do you remember falling down as a little kid, scraping your knees and crying to mommy at the sight of your own blood? Well, I do... In fact, I remember lots of things that made me cry when I was little. Like when my dad snuck up behind me and poured freezing mountain water on my back. I was angry, sad, hurt... and cold! :) I was crying tonight on my way home from class, and these thoughts passed through my tears... if only I can remember that the pain I feel today, will be like the knee scrapes of yesterday. They may feel monumental during the moment, maybe even the end of the world as we know it... but tomorrow they'll be a silly memory, void of the same pain, sadness, fear, anger... Granted, sometimes you fall down, and you're left with a scar. But even then, when you look at your scar years later, you don't feel the pain. You may remember it, but you do so without (most of) the emotions that were attached to it when the event occurred. The beauty is that they are "memories"... because we lived through them and left them in the past. I hope that next time the knife is poised over my wrist, that I remember these words, put the knife away, and go back to bed.

As those words fleeted, I wondered what I would say to someone calling a suicide hotline. Would I be able to show them, that even if only one little thing brings a moment of happiness, that that alone could be a reason to live? Could we spend an hour listing things we like that make us smile? The sound of a child's laughter... the sight of baby geese... that perfect tree on the corner... the way that song feels... the smell of lemons... your mom's smile... hugs... Could that have an effect on someone? What stops me is the thought that somebody would eventually find my body... how traumatising would that be for them?! I keep thinking of poor little Boy Scouts frolicking through the forest, stumbling on what at first appeared to be a log...


I know that at my worst moments nothing anyone says can cast a light of hope. I glean no hope from kind words. I can and will dispute your version of "logic." You cannot force a "bright side" to appear in my dismal existence. I have analyzed my situation by looking at my past and present, and come to the conclusion that my future is full of doom and gloom. I can't change the circumstances that cause me the greatest sorrow. They're entirely out of my control... and being a Scorpio, that's a little hard to swallow.


A couple years ago I found the perfect quote to explain what I'm feeling...


"In depression... faith in deliverance, ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come - not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute... It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul." - William Styron


The crux of the problem is "the foreknowledge that no remedy will come". That's exactly how I feel. I've analyzed, and I've considered the possible outcomes, and in the end the seemingly "logical" conclusion is that I will never be able to get out of this Hell. I feel completely hopeless. And that, my friend, is the worst place to be. It does not matter that I can equally formulate the much more logical conclusion that I have no clue what my future will bring!! There may be a rainbow after this storm... I should be telling myself to "buck up buttercup!" Alas, the negative voice is always the loudest. What it tells me is that my future will not be what I want it to be. It may bring other joys, and it may not. Regardless, it will not bring what my heart yearns for.

Hopeless.


Depression feels like... my soul is in a dark and lonely place, up to the chest in quicksand, finding it hard to breathe. I'm tired and overwhelmed. There's no light, no whisper of hope, and no one can help me. On top of that there's the pressure of having to pretend that everything is fine. "Smile, never cry in public." And then there's the shame, and feeling of worthlessness. "I cannot tell you how I'm feeling, because that would put a damper on the mood... besides that, I'm not important enough to bother you with my problems." Everyone has problems. Mine are stupid, and only affect me. No one can solve my problems, no one can make it right. Why bother someone with my trivial problems, when they might be dealing with more monumental ones?! But most of all, it's the hopelessness that keeps pushing me down. "It doesn't matter... I don't matter. My hopes and dreams don't matter. It's not worth talking about."

Those ugly little voices. Ever realize how they sound just like the "good" little voices? They fool us into believing they are speaking the truth. We need to find the switch that turns them off. Is it only "self-discipline" that can do that? Practice makes perfect? Unfortunately that seems to be the case. We cannot rely on someone else to come up with the kind words, the "right" logic, a view of the "bright side". We have to force ourselves to turn them off as quickly as they appear.

I wrote the words above 3 days ago.
Yesterday was my birthday... that always propels me into the throws of depression. I have yet to have a year where I am content with where my life is. I've never had the thing I need most. And that is all I can think of. What I'm missing. What I may never have. That this is what my life will be like forever. How can I find happiness in my loneliness? How can I be happy knowing I am constantly rejected? That no one will ever fall in love with me?

There were birthday balloons waiting on my desk in the morning. Someone cared enough about me to go to that trouble! I received a birthday card with signatures and accolades from my co-workers. Friends and family from all across the world took time to wish me a happy day. And all I could do was feel pain and emptiness and sorrow because I don't have someone to share my life with. Someone who smiles simply because I'm with him. Someone who doesn't want to go without hearing my voice. Someone who wants to reach out and hold my hand. Instead of being overjoyed at the outpouring of love from people I didn't even know cared, I sit and wallow in self-pity. What is my problem?!! How do other people do it?

I find joy in moments. I can enjoy and find the blessing in the fact that I'm cared about and loved by people all around me. I can enjoy the feel of the sun or the coolness of the breeze. I can enjoy the song on the radio and the home run. I am not blind to the life around me, but it's all under a cloud of sadness and sorrow that is too large to ignore. It's these feelings that cause me to slide into the darkness and make me ask myself at the end of the day, "was this day worth living?" And more often than not, it is this darkness that makes me answer "no."

I vacillate between trying to cling to some unseen hope, and throwing in the towel. I want to "hope" with all my heart. It's a grueling, holding-on-for-dear-life type of need to hope... Hope in a brighter future, hope that there is a God and that He's listening... but when it's dark like this, hopelessness wins out.

I just got off the phone with a friend. Her grandma passed away this evening. Here I am whining about my emotional state as someone's life comes to an end. This is when I feel ashamed and stupid. Here I am whining over my emotions, when people are dealing with greater issues. There's a freaking war going on Laila! There are people out there with real problems! Problems that matter in the big picture. I am but a grain of sand; insignificant.